Wednesday, June 29, 2005
sigh. so it isnt funny anymore. i cant fucking sleep. i go to lie in bed @ 12am, thinking "yay ive mapled enough and now i can sleep coz im soooo tired"
ha ha ha. i toss in bed till 6.30am. oops. time to wake up and go school.
i get up and get a headache.
so i go back and sleep. and i still dont sleep till hours later.
but its been 2 days, hello? i dont sleep until 8am every morning, and i get up at 12pm. the thing is, I STILL CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT.
and im now put on counselling again. those people will grill and grill me but I WONT TALK, i REFUSE TO.
so what if u knew, you cant do shit
and its far tooooo personal.. for the regular outsider. only a few people understand.. and ever will.
i now see myself walking down the very same route you took. its scary in a way.
but will i be as lucky as you? you had a mentor to wake you up, mine havent turned up yet. i know there are many people who wanna wake me up and get me to study, but i cant, dont you know??
all i wanna do is dwell in the past, sit in a corner and relive the sweet times we had. and now i cant even do that, coz i got some pretty bad scoldings and my brain shuts the past out, so all i have of you is juz some little fragments
actually i do know whats wrong with me.. not totally, but at least i know part of it.
did you know, after that quarrel we had, i never dare flare up again? i ll think 10 times before i do. and did you know... that day you left.. life has no meaning for me anymore...
study for fuck... i juz wan to repay some people and leave this whole awful place
why i get so attached to the computer.. coz online i get to prove myself to other people.. behind a mask
that kind of a self-victory.. illusive yet satisfying
why ive become like this.. totally screwed up this life god gave me.. coz i love you, i still do, and i cant forget about you
even if i seem normal and have moved on
its making things worse, coz underneath it all it still hurts like hell, and acting like it dont makes me withdraw into my sick little world of mine
and im scared of that doctor. the one from nus. i dont know why, is it because its deja vu of something bad, i cant remember though..
i just know i dont want to be anywhere near him. much less let him counsel me
im fine, serious, counselling is just a waste of my time
let me off, even if i hand up blank pieces of paper its my life, my business
maybe im just doing all these to delay a little more time.. coz if you took 7 subjects, and got 7 F9s, youre dead. literally.
no one understands... no one.. my parents, teachers and principal think im a juvenile delinquent...
i dont have to account to them. so im not talking, dont bother trying to solve this mess...
i.love.you.
12:26 AM
